How to have a Strong Marriage

        How to have a Strong Marriage  

“Happily ever after” is a great ending for  Disney but in real life marriage takes work

and commitment. It isn’t just Angelina Jolieand Brad Pitt who argue (the only difference

is that when they argue paparazzi peddle photos to celebrity magazines); every marriage has its ups and downs.

Here are 10 habits every couple should integrate into their home in order to build a strong, happy and enduring marriage.

1.  Stop picking on your partner It’s easier to blame and put responsibility

on your spouse than acknowledge that

marriage is a partnership. Husband and wife

are a team. A healthy marriage means we

support one another-in both words and

actions. This is the definition of commitment. When something goes wrong stop trying to

figure out whose fault it is. It’s a pointless

exercise that just causes pain. Speak about

solutions instead of looking to accuse. Be

careful not to use put downs to feel better

about yourself. There is no room for meanness in marriage.

This goes for the little moments as well as the big ones. Instead of looking to blame

when there’s not enough gas left in the

tank, give empathy. Allow your partner to

unload and show that you care. Talk about

finding a way to work this out for next time instead of defending yourself by attacking

your spouse.

2.   Express feelings in a mature way There’s a difference between whining and

being constructive. Constant complaining feels

as if you are living with a two year old who

falls into tantrums. Talk about what you

want using a positive approach. Instead of

saying “I feel as if I am a single mom; you’re never home,” say “The kids and

I love spending time with you. Is there a way

we can make this happen more often?” A

healthy relationship means we speak about

what we want instead making our partner

feel that home is a place of criticism and nagging.

3.   Stop being passive aggressive Resentment builds when we say we are fine,

and ‘whatever’ but inside we are feeling

spiteful. You may think you are being nice

and giving in but your eyes and body

language speak volumes. If you are upset,

communicate your emotions respectfully instead of bottling up your hard feelings.

Don’t keep saying “Do what you want”

and then freeze on your spouse with an icy

silence. You do not want to become a bitter

partner.

4.   Stop trying to prove that you are right You can be 100% right but your attitude is all

     wrong. If you keep bringing up the same

     thing over and over to prove your point, you

     have lost your way. In a healthy

     relationship, we make a choice to create

     peace instead of trying to always have the final word. Choose tolerance and compassion

     to replace the attitude of arrogance and being

     a ‘know it all’. There are some people

    who need to prove that they’re right even

    when they apologize. When you apologize, be

    sincere. Don’t clarify your apology by saying “I am sorry, BUT…” Being happy is

    better than being right.

5. Be receptive We all make mistakes. When your partner

    wants to make things better, don’t make

    him suffer. If your spouse extends an

     overture after an argument, it is not wise to

    keep the argument going for days. Some

  people find it most difficult to forgive. After an argument they carry hard feelings and

  cannot even give a smile when their spouse

  reaches out and attempts to make things

  right. A thriving relationship requires a spirit

  of acceptance. This means that you are

  approachable and make reconciliation possible. Live your life moving toward each

  other instead of backing away.

6. Stop using threats to manipulate your

   spouse If you value the self-esteem of your partner,

  you will be careful to avoid threats as a way

  to find control. When we intimidate the ones

  we are supposed to love, we lose our

  connection with them. We create an

   environment of fear as rage grows within. True love means that we nourish one

   another as we share a vision for our future.

  We support each other and don’t bulldoze

  our partner to get what we want. We never

  use threats to overcome turmoil. Your

   partner needs to feel cherished not controlled.

7. Set clear limits It is easy to love when all is good. The

   question is how do we make it through a

   disagreement intact? In a health  relationship, 

    couples decide together where

  they will not go. Saying things like “I never

   want to see your face again,’ “I want a divorce,” or using cruel and shaming words

   are simply off limits. (Of course physical

  aggression is also never allowed). Slamming

  the door and walking out, disappearing for

  hours, being flirtatious to get back at your

  spouse, using the children as chess pieces in your battle are all actions that will hurt you

  and never help. Deciding what to do when a

  situation gets ‘hot’ instead of screaming

  and yelling is also crucial. 

   A fight does non mean that the relationship is over. But things

  said and done during the disagreement can be the start of unhealthy pattern that will

  unravel the bond you have together.

8. Be proactive in your love life Instead of complaining, start creating. Stop

   feeling sorry for yourself. Be the one to take

   the initiative. Becoming a parent or being

   married for years does not mean that you

   should neglect your partner. You may need to

   decide to make more time for your spouse, be spontaneous, get creative, and infuse new

  energy into your relationship. Take care of

   yourself and ask: how can I make some

  small changes to help the situation? It may

  mean a haircut, losing the baggy clothing, or

  getting into better shape. Look at your lifestyle and make sure that your spouse

  feels cared for. Express your love every single day.

9. Keep your friendship alive Being married means acknowledging that we

   live with our best friend. Focus on the one

   you love and reach out to your partner, not

   just your friends. A healthy relationship

   creates a life based on mutual trust. We  share intimate details, fears and hopes without being afraid   that we will be laughed at. We make time for each other and share experiences, not just problems,      bills, and carpool schedules.

10. Stop expecting When we give because we expect in return,

   we set ourselves up for disappointment. For

   love to endure, we need to invest in our

   relationship. This means we give and don’t

   measure how much we have gotten back.

   Our question must be: What can I do today to make my marriage better? We are all

  capable of giving. When we express

   appreciation, give a compliment, an

  encouraging hug, a thoughtful gesture, we

  are showing our spouse that we are

   committed and care. Concentrating on what our partner does for us becomes a selfish

  way of giving. Give because you want to

  create a home filled with love.

  Marriage requires thoughtful contemplation. 

Happiness is a choice we make through our

daily decisions and responses. 

When we realize that we have within our power the

ability to build a life together rather than destroy,

 we will renew the spirit of love